I am getting ready to end my three day trip with the other amazing, incredible, inpsiring, and energizing Heinemann Fellows. And I want to sit here and write about the powerful learning that I have done, what these passionate teachers have shown me, and the ideas that I am bringing back to my classroom. But I can’t. Because the thoughts that are consuming my brain at this moment aren’t those wonderful thoughts. They are thoughts of doubt.
Doubt that I am up to this challenge. Doubt that the work that I am choosing to do is good enough. Doubt that I have anything worthy of sharing with this group. Doubt that I am doing enough for my studnets. Doubt that all the changes that I have made this year are really all that important. Doubt that I have any idea what I am doing.
And those thoughts of doubt, they so easily crowd out the more productive thoughts. They so easily monopolize my brain and stop me from getting everything out of this experience that I could possibly get.
So I am hoping that by writing this I will be able to quiet some of that doubt. Because often when I am able to acknowledge what I am feeling, when I am able to own it, then I am better able to move on from it. When I am able to say that this might not be what I want to be feeling, but there it is nonetheless. When I am able to remove the guilt of feeling and emotion and just allow myself to feel it instead. Then, maybe, I have the hope of moving on.
So here are these words: I am doubting just about everything I know right now.
I will let that sit. I will let myself feel that and hopefully I will be able to move right on past it. And so the next time I write, I promise to tell you all about how much I have learned and how much I have gained from being with this group of people for the past three days.