This is one of those posts that is purely selfish. I am not sure it will make much sense to anyone else. But there are things that are feeling too heavy and I need to put them down here for a bit.
So there is that phenomenon (I am sure it has some fancy name) where you start looking into buying a new car and as soon as you start digging into a certain type of car, you then start to see it everywhere. Even if you have never noticed this type of car before, all of a sudden, once you consider buying one, you start to see the car everywhere you go. And then once you own the car, once you have ridden in it, you start to notice it even more and more.
I think, in many ways, this is the same thing that happens once you begin to notice bias and the harmful effects of it. Many of us have gone a long time not seeing the harmful bias that we are surrounded by. It was comfortable for us there. Never mind the fact that so many, those without that privilege to not see, were immensely suffering while we walked around in our ignorance.
And then, for those of us who have been lucky enough, someone much smarter than us, usually someone who has spent an entire lifetime being the victim of the harmful effects of bias, comes along and starts to point things out to us. The ways that this world perpetuates bias and stereotypes and making people feel like an “other.” And, at first, so many of us push back and will do anything to climb back into that bubble of ignorance. To not see. To not think about. To not notice what we are surrounded by. And many are able to get right back in and clamp down even tighter and stay there because it is more comfortable. They clamp down so tight that they become resentful of those who are desperately trying to point out the things that are problematic in our world. They call the people doing the pointing out angry and overreactive and pessimists. The pointing out bothers those who care more about their own comfort than about bettering this world.
But for others of us, once we see the bias that exists in this world, the racism and the sexism and the homophobia and Islamaphobia, once we see the signs of it, then we notice that it is everywhere. That it has always been everywhere. That it is our fault for not seeing it before. That it is our own privilege that has allowed us to not see it and not think about it. For us, it is like that car we are looking into. While somehow we never saw it before, now that we are digging into it, now that we are learning more about it, now we see it everywhere.
And for those of us who have ever been the ones to feel like the other, I think this awakening is a little bit more likely to happen. Once you have felt like an other in one way, it is a little bit more likely that you will be able to see the many things in this world that continue to send messages to people that make them also feel like an other in a different way.
For me, my own journey in examining the biases that I hold has also led me to take more notice of the biases that other people hold against me. As a lesbian, I know what it feels like to feel like the world is not quite made for me to exist in comfortably. Every single day, I worry that today is the day that my daughter will start to understand that feeling too. That this world is not quite made for our family to exist in comfortably. That we are not always seen. That we are not always going to feel included. That we are not always going to feel like we are being represented.
There are so many things, every single day, that project images of families that do not look like mine. And while we are so lucky, while we live in a community and she attends a school that goes OUT OF THEIR WAY to ensure that all sorts of people feel welcome and seen and valued, I know that this will not always be the case for her.
Not every place that she goes will think as carefully as her current school about the messages that they are sending. Especially when these places are run by people who have never felt marginalized in any way before. Because not “having” to think about it. Not “having” to pay attention to it. That privilege is the problem. And it is such a hard problem to confront because so many people are fighting like hell to actively refuse to deal with it.
So I have started to think about my own role in all of this. About our role as educators in all of this. As teachers and administrators and social workers and as schools in general.
Because we send out a lot of messages. The things that hang on our walls. The books displayed in our libraries and classrooms. The speakers we invite into our schools. The notes and flyers that we send home. All of these things send strong messages. And I worry that we are not thinking carefully enough about the messages that we are choosing to send.
Too often when I am given a flyer to send home, I put it into the kids’ mailboxes without even stopping to look at it. But that choosing not to notice. That has become a problem.
What I send home, whether it is something that I have created or not, it sends a message and that message is coming from me and coming from our school. That message makes its way into my students’ homes and families. And rarely do I think carefully enough about what messages are being sent home.
What messages are we sending? Are we leaving people out? Are we reinforcing stereotypes? Are we unintentionally making people feel as if our school is not thinking about them? Are we making families or students feel unseen? Are we making families or students feel as if they do not belong here? As if this space is not made for them to exist in comfortably? Are we making assumptions that make others feel as if they do not fully belong here? As if who they are is not represented in our school?
I know that I, for one, do not always think carefully enough about any of these questions. And I need to make sure that I do. Because not only do our students deserve this, but they also need to see us model this thoughtfulness if we ever hope for them display this thoughtfulness themselves. And showing them how to notice the bias that surrounds them is something that we all can do. And I believe that work will not only make our schools safer and more welcoming places, but it also has the chance to help our students go out and make this whole world a safer and more welcoming place.
So we have a responsibility to do better. To do more. When we see something problematic, it is not enough to just think, “Oh that is a bad idea!” We need to say something and point out the things that are problematic and actively work to change them. No matter how much those around us might choose to ignore, to not see, to not think about the problems with the biases we are creating, we have to keep standing up and saying something.
Because it cannot keep falling on the shoulders of those who themselves have been the victims of the unfair biases and stereotypes of this world. Those of us who have felt the harmful effects of these biases personally, we might have an easier time noticing problematic messages, but please trust me when I tell you that it is so much harder for us to be the ones continuously pointing them out. We will keep doing it. Because it matters to us and in many ways our lives depend on it, but we do not want to do it alone. It is all of our responsibilities to point out the problems that we see.
And once we start talking about it. Once we stop hiding behind the comfort of phrases like, “Who you love shouldn’t matter” and “I do not see color” and “I believe that all people are equal,” then we can start to do the harder work of coming out of our comfortable shells of ignorance in order to start noticing the problems we are surrounded by. And once we start thinking and talking about how things might be problematic, once we start thinking and talking about how even if something is not a problem for us, it might be a problem for someone else, once we start noticing the biases we are surrounded by, then we will keep on noticing and finally be able to work together to do something about it all.
Because the next time we send out something that offends someone or hurts someone or makes someone feel unseen, we can take the easy way out and say, “I never meant to offend anyone. I just never thought about it that way,” or we can start now and recognize that the not thinking about it that way, the not thinking about it through the lens of people whose lives might be different than your own, that is the problem.
I’ve was in a building that sent “come join the wrestling team” flyers. To the boys only. And the coach would only hand them to boys who he thought would be good wrestlers. And I said nothing. To this day, I wish I would have said more than a quiet, “Girls can wrestle, too.” I think about the looks on some of my kids’ faces and get both so furious and so sad. You’re right. We must do better. I must do better.
I simply adore you. I’ve been reading through your post and as an African-American educator, mother, and othermother, I appreciate you!